Step 1: On September 21, wonder why your package still hasn’t arrived, since it was sent on September 5.

Step 2: Naturally, call your mom, the sender of your birthday package to check on it, because, moms.

Step 3: USPS says it’s in Czech Republic.

Step 4: Ask your lovely local city team member to look into it.

Step 5: Figure out its stuck in customs and you have to email a form.

Step 6: Email form.

Step 7: Get a response requiring you to go to the customs office, with your passport, 30 minutes out of Prague.

Step 8: Decide to go, but it’s a national holiday. So, your only option is to go your last day in Prague.

Step 9: Recruit your bestie to go with you, because she’s wonderful. (Bring coffee to sweeten the deal and because you’re both hungover.)

Step 10: Arrive to customs office, wait in line, only to be told your mom didn’t put a value on said package and they must have it in writing. And printed.

Step 11: Almost burst into tears and attempt to bribe customs office. Until Jess steps in rationally and calms you down.

Step 12: Feel terrible about calling your mom repeatedly at 650 a.m., her time.

Step 13: Mom sends email to wrong email.

Step 14: Mom sends right email.

Step 15: Angry man tells you it will be at least half an hour before they can confirm the email. The office closes in an hour.

Step 16: Ten minutes later, email arrives.

Step 17: Pay tax to Czech to receive package that weighs a whopping 2 pounds, 6 ounces, after your mom already paid $60 to send it.

Step 18: Finally get package.

Moral of story: never send certified mail internationally. Promptly get beer by river after ordeal. Forever cherish amazing friends who talk you off ledges.

Thanks for the birthday gifts, mom and dad! From now on, a card will do just fine.